Notes on the First Draft of The Avengers

To: JossWhedon@gmail.com
From: AviArad@MarvelStu.org
Subject: Notes on the First draft.


Hey Joss.
Just letting you know, the producers read through your script and the love it! We think this film has the potential for some great onscreen chemistry between the actors and will pull a huge audience. However, there were a few tiny things that the studio would like you to consider changing before they give it the green light.



Page3
It's true that in the comics Thor is a Viking god. However, the studio feels that it is a tad out of character for him to spend his first five minutes on screen pillaging a small Norwegian town and raping it's women. Also, you're script lends no explanation to why Thor is even there.

Page27
The producer's feel that the way in which Red Skull goes in to graphic detail about how his skull isnt the only "head" of his that's red is unnecessarily vulgar and adds nothing to the movie.

Page 31
Thor's hammer is not "A giant dick"

Page 39
While we all feel that it is important for there to be a strong confrontation between Captain America and Iron Man, the studio feels uncomfortable with Cap walking up to Tony unprovoked and calling him a "Giant cocksucking motherfucker." Consider removing.

Page 46-74
We admit we were a little surprised when we read through these few pages and saw that you had decided to include a 20 minute dance and musical scene where all the heroes try to reason with Loki "through song." It was very expected as immediately before that The Avengers were all in the helicarrier discussing the aliens and the next moment they are dancing. Also, it seems that you forgot that they were on a helicarrier in the first place because at points in the dance Hawkeye is dancing on a mountaintop, Black Widow is singing in outer space (how?) and Fury is suddenly performing a very coarse rap at a rap battle. As a general rule, 20 minutes is too long for an unexplained musical number with no dialogue.

Page 89
Hawkeye cannot shoot "flamming dick arrows."

Page 89
Iron Man cannot be shot by "flamming dick arrows."

Page 101
We are again unsure about your decision to suddenly animate Thor's hammer and Captain America's shield and have them talk about the ethical ramifications of what is happening during fight scenes.

Page 105-110
For some reason all of Nick Fury's dialogue in these few pages is suddenly famous quotes off Sam Jackson's past films. Furthermore, we feel that it would be endangering our rating if we allowed Fury to repeatedly call the Avengers "Bad ass motherfuckers"

Page 117
We know that several films that have inspired you such as the Alien and Spider-man film series have all had sexual undertones involved and we applaude you for attempt to include this theme in The Avengers. However, we feel as if you have somehow lost the point of an undertone. For example, Loki's helmet cannot be "two flaccid penises as horns", his staff is not a "Boner", and the wormhole he fell into at the end of Thor is not "A large space vagina."

Page 121
While it is true that as the sole female lead Black Widow should provide a majority of sex appeal, we feel as if a 15 minute scene of her shooting a porno using only Thor's hammer (again, Thor's hammer is not "A giant dick") is taking the subtlety out of it.

Page 132
Captain America has been frozen for 60 years and we too feel the importance of showing his struggle in adjusting to life in the 21st century. However, he absolutely cannot show racist opinions of his time. Under no circumstances can he mutter "fucking nigger" to Nick Fury under his breath.

Page 143
 The humorous monatge of Steve trying to work appliances such as irons and failing to tie his shoes doesn't make any sense. They had irons in the 40s and why would be not be able to tie shoelaces? He was frozen for years, not kicked in the head by a horse.

Page 145
We love product placement as much as you do, however, the people at Marvel do not feel comfortable having Bruce Banner watching a trailer for "The Dark Knight Rises" for the first minute and a half of his screen time. Batman is a DC film, a major competitor of Marvel.

Page 154
The shot where Iron Man blows up a tank, lifts his visor and talks directly to the camera saying "I'd like to see Heath Ledger do that." Is an unnecessary dig at the demised actor.

Page 156
Stan Lee has indicated that he is uncomfortable with shaving his pubic hair as part of his planned cameo.

Page 188
You have a scene where Steve Rogers has a conversation with Captain America. You are aware that they are the same person right?

Page 194
Near the conclusion of the film, Black Widow cannot walk into the room and announce "I have AIDs. You should all get checked."

Page 199
Hawkeye cannot die from AIDs.

Page 200
For over 50 year's the Hulk's motive for his rampages has always been anger. Why is it that you have changed his character to include "the Hulk's mammoth hornyness" as a reason for his rage? Furthermore, we are hesitant to allow a scene of him raping the population of the same Norwegian villiage as Thor did at the beginning of the film. The studio has to ask; Do you have a problem with Norway?

Again Joss, these are all very minor wrinkles that the studio would like you to consider working on. As soon as thats done, I'm sure this project is very close to getting the green light.

Regards
-Avi Arad Marvel Co-Executive.

How to Make Amends for Murdering A Japanese Horse.

Ever since I killed that horse during my short-lived visit to Tokyo, I've been looking for a way to shed the guilt and regain my lost karma points. I tried everywhere to find ratification: charities, religious groups, anonymous helplines, but alas, I was turned away each time because of my "inappropriate attire" (whatever the hell that means.) As I pulled my nipples back in my singlet and tugged my black socks up from my sandals, I saw an unforgettable sight in the distance... the vet!!

Of course! If there was anyplace that I could regain brownie points with God/Buddha/Allah/Opera it would be the vet! After all, if anyone needed beautiful, (albeit incredibly shallow) love, it was dead and/or dying animals!

I walked into the clinic and I was immediately greeted by an attractive woman.
"Hello. I'm Debbie. I work here." said the woman. I noticed she had neglected to hold out her hand for a handshake. Seizing the opportunity I grabbed her hand, pulled it towards my puckered lips and kissed the back of her dainty, pale hand.
"Bonjourno bella, how do you do?" I asked in my huskiest voice.
"Umm... I was just cleaning the anus of a constipated pit-bull. I haven't had a chance to wash my hands."
After vomiting profusely for a quarter of an hour, I managed to ask Debbie if I could volunteer at this shelter. Clearly still shaken from the sight of a grown man emptying the contents of his stomach for fifteen minutes, she hesitated before allowing me to assist the vet in a routine vaccination. Now visibly nauseous, she asked me to sit in the waiting room.

The waiting room smelled of an odd combination of urine, bird shit and leather. A door at the end of the hall opened and a woman, even more attractive than the now-in-the-fetal-position Debbie walked through. She smiled and gestured to me to follow her. I walked into the operation room and felt an immediate sensation telling me that I was doing something right. The vet introduced herself.
"My name is Emma. Today were just going to be doing a simple vaccination on this dog." I looked down that the semi conscious German Shepard and was quickly drawn to the sight of the canine's large, distinguished teeth. Emma asked me if I was still okay with doing this. I was about to say "No, I am not. You have an amazing rake by the way. See ya.", but the sudden image of the Japanese horse's head bouncing off the bonnet of my Rent-A-Car forced me to say, "Of course I'm okay with this doll face", giving her my Fonzie-est wink and thumbs up. I folded the fat flaps of the dog's neck and pulled them back so that Emma could administer the life saving shot of chemicals. She looked at me and asked,
"Would you like to do this?" Horrified at the prospect of anyone giving me a syringe of chemicals, I again nearly backed down. However, the image of a mangled horse pushed me foward. I plunged the syringe into the mammal's flabby neck and pushed the plunger to administer the dose. As I went to pull the syringe out, Emma, tried to assist and our hands touched. I felt a wave of passion wash over the two of us. As I looked up and stared into her eyes, I knew it was time to try out my newest pickup line; "I've been tested you know, everything down there is A-Okay." There was a long pause and I prepared to be kicked in the groin. Smiling, she then grabbed me and pulled me on the cold, steel, operating slab where we made sweet, sweet love next to a partially paralyzed dog.

"The things I've seen... Never again."

I left Emma in the Operating Room to recover from her sex coma. As I walked out if the vets clinic, I knew that my soul had now been washed clean from my escapades in Tokyo. Not only had I satisfied yet another female in the art of coitus, but I had also assisted in the giving of life saving elixir to a friendly puppy. 

A week later, Emma called and informed me that said dog had died from an overdose of heart-worm vaccine.